Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
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I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.