Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
You Might Also Like
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish