Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
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A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Ugh but profoundly
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?