Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
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Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.