please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
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“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*