Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
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*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television