@Michael_Erhart: "Please don't make a scene." -Horrible movie director
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We’re out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*
@patnspankme: (during sex) Me: Is that good? Her: Real good, baby. Her mom: Good af. Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us? Her: I dunno. Mom? Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.