“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
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I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.