“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
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I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
i like to flex on them by shrugging
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
grotesque if literal: baby food
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.