please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
The asteroid..
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone