Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
i meant to share this earlier
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it