Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
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They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Bring back the McRib
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate