Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
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Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
The French word for sex is croissant.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Terribly Tuesday.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
What the dentist sees
Worst perfume name ever.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there