@Dawn_M_: Please don't tag me in photos where I'm not wearing my roller skates, I'm looking for a boyfriend.
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@MatCro: [meeting] BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan ME: Perhapselline? MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline? B: You're incredible, Gary
@JosesLovesYou: Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
@OhNoSheTwitnt: If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It's basically Twitter.