Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
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If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.