Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
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One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no