@Eagle_Vision: Please enjoy my "Here's Your Sign" tweet collection, designed to ward off Twitter trolls.
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@Jandalize: With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
@JimGaffigan: A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
@Dirty_Naomi: Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
@daddyville: I like the word "panties" so much I'm going to start using it in place of "cool." Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that's panties.