I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
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Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.