The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
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You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Brilliant!
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke