Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
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me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Not😆🤣
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.