Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
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a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.