I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
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“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
💁🏻♂️
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.