please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
You Might Also Like
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward