@notalogin: Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it's still right here.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@KelgoreTrout: "911 whats your emerge-" I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES
@AmberTozer: Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
@martyntanton: My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
@sixthformpoet: Q: What's worse than finding a horse's head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!