@notalogin: Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it's still right here.
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@LionJenkins: Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot! Me winking and leaning on the stove: You're Hot, Baby. 911: What's your emergency?
@kelkulus: Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
@Jeffwni: Skeletor: Nice ride He-Man: Thanks Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
@david8hughes: [dentist giving me a filling] Me: guh uh hag a hogreg? Dentist stops: what? Me: do you have a boyfriend?