Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
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So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Order here:
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[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Still a very good boi….
TRAIN’S HERE
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.