“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
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Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
it’s the silliest best thing
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
She was rare, like a goth jogging
me after drinking all the wine:
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw