“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
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Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Wait for it
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳