[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
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DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Me: how are you
Friday: good
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.