Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
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work smarter, not harder
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.