‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
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My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
a lot to unpack here
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.