@MissMalbec: Please ignore this tweet, I'm pretending to be adding a coworker's phone number.
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@TyWebb1980: *Arrives at the barbers* "I'd like some highlights please" *Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
@Donnie_Fairburn: I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don't floss
@BEEAAARR: Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.
@ThaJawn: Vampire: What is this? Cashier: Pez *showing him how it works* See, the candy comes out of the- Vampire: NECK! HA HA HA! I MUST HAVE ONE!