@MissMalbec: Please ignore this tweet, I'm pretending to be adding a coworker's phone number.
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@brynnester: [First Date] Her: *shyly* I like a man with a big dong Me: *rings the largest of my musical bells* How was that?
@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Women like a little danger. ME: Okay. [later on date] HER: So where are we- ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
@PaperWash: before cameras, people would have to say "cheese" for two hours while they got their portrait painted
@turkeyheadmac: Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don't apply the brakes