@MissMalbec: Please ignore this tweet, I'm pretending to be adding a coworker's phone number.
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@Tups13: "Of course you can trust me. Look, I'll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I'll catch you." *Bing! Twitter notification!* Thud.
@Try2StopME: Interviewer: "So why should we hire you?" Me: "Cause I need a job very badly." Interviewer: "So?" Me: "And you have a vacancy. BINGO"
@Scott_A_Gilmore: People named Thomas, your nickname isn't "Thom" it's Tom. "Thom" thounds sthupid and prethenthiuos.
@ComedicBust: Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail. [jurors gasp] [Lawyer throws up]