Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
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It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i