Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
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My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.