Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
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HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Worlds greatest photobomb
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.