@KevinFarzad: PLEASE LEAVE CHRIS BROWN ALONE, in the woods, surrounded by a pack of wolves.
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@SergioValenCo: I don't tweet about my boss because I don't wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
@edana_irish: Why girls want to be mermaids 1. No pants 2. No periods 3. Perfect hair 4. You get to lure men to their deaths 5. Free clam bra
@Coolisiana: (Job interview) "How would you describe yourself?" I'm very vague "Ok, can you be more specific?" No
@warne888: When you're at someone's house? Normal people: "What a lovely house!" Me: "What's your wifi password?"