i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
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Truth
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH