“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
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[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.