“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
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I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I’m already scared
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking