Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
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Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.