Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
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Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.