I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
You Might Also Like
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Pat is about to own someone
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.