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@lanyardigan: Please. My wife. She's very sick.
@DannyZuker: My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them.
@murrman5: *takes out one earbud*
"not guilty, your honor"
@Tommytoughstuff: *Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* "Oh man my car windows are down!"
@InkTankMedia: Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
@GrantTanaka: Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked "So what's the exhibit?" & the guy was like "You're breathing it, man."