Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
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If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.