Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
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They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer