Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
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Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Perfection.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
me opening up to someone
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.