The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
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pat pat
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣