Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)