Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
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How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
ibopfufen
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.