Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
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It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Is this the real life?
Is this just
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away