Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
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[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
“That’s what” – She
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus