please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
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I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem