*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
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Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
My kitchen overserved me.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Phonetics
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again