Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
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Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”