crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
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[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).